Resignation

Early evening

Lara is slowly giving up, is my impression. She sleeps a good portion of the day, as predicted. I told her we were making progress towards giving her transfusions at home. Would she be interested going through with them? Yeah, she said with a shrug, but what is the point of all of this?

Indeed. I said it earlier: we are trying to extend a lifespan of close to sixty years by a few days tops. Days where, due to her overall condition, she would only be partially aware. What is the gain, she is asking.

She has fought long and hard. She has gone through a true calvary last year: six months in the hospital, of which three in Intensive Care. Twice she was close to death. It was no less than a medical miracle that she pulled through. Long rehab never brought her back to where she was. Still no swimming (her alltime favorite sport), no plane travel (she didn't come to Vienna with me in November), wearing facemasks in public gatherings, and dietary restrictions (no fresh salads, her preferred greens). The disease came back with a vengeance in February, and had  become immune to the chemical agent used in her treatment. On 19 April she was basically told to go home and die; to not wait too long with whatever she still needed to do. (see "Doomsday")

And here she is, 47 days later. She held out all that time fighting odds that should have done her in much sooner. She held up her fight with dignity and serenity, even class. She feels she has done enough. If she were sure there was a hope in heaven, she would hold on to every fiber of her life and dig up all the reserves she carries. But she sees none. She is tired, and wants to let go.

Her frown is a sad one, her eyes have an anxious look. This does not augur well, my friends.

I know that many of you are not prepared to see her leave this earth. Believe me, neither am I. But we should set aside for the best of friends, and the dearest of relatives, a magnanimous measure of respect, shouldn't we? When they are resigned and ready, how could we not be the same for them?