Fantasie

Monday 11 June morning

Once her clothes for the day were in order, I made myself scarce. Lara's entourage was more than complete with four people: two nurses, a hospice and the domestic help. I would just be in the way.

Lara is asleep, her breathing shallow. Everybody has gone now, except Schubert's hauntingly beautiful Fantasie in F minor for piano duet. He wrote it while aware he didn't have long to live anymore and somehow it carries that sense, especially in the closing bars. Listen to it.

She's had a good night's sleep. We both have, in fact, although I need to tell you that after fifty-odd days, I am fed up with sleeping on the couch. I miss the bounce of our conjugal bed. (Sometimes I dive in for a quick snooze.)

This is the first morning where she tried to get out of bed and join me for breakfast, but then slumped back, shaking her head. She could't muster the strength. She had her cappuccino and her cereal in bed, spoon-fed; she looked over to me, a little helplessly, to check if we were eating at least at the same time. We were.

Our doctor, coming in at around noon, was amazed to see Lara awake the way she was. She was expecting to see her in a deep sleep. We talked the three of us and decided to give Lara a bonus dose of morphine and of Tranxene from the pumps. She felt the effect immediately. Knowing she might not regain consciousness enough at this stage of the process, she placed a few phone calls to say goodbye to her siblings, some of her dearest friends and called in Ilona, our domestic help, who was in tears.

I was wondering, she said, "Am I really saying goodbye to somebody else? Is this real?" It is, I assured her, holding her hand.

At around 1:00PM she started to slowly slide into sleepiness, and her movements became slow and deliberate, for example when taking a sip of water. It is as though she is still clinging to reality with her last bit of energy, resisting full surrender. "I have no idea what's happening in the world", she said. So I read her the headlines from this morning's Herald Trib.