Mirror

Wednesday 13 June morning

Ever since the garde-malades left at 8:00PM Tuesday night, I had either sat with Lara, checked on her from time to time, stretched out beside her, whispered sweet messages in her ear, stroked her face or held her hands, limp as they were. The lifelessness of her fingers didn't bode well for our earlier plan to use suqeezing as the way to communicate. She was thoroughly asleep.

At around midnight I took up my place on the couch beside her after yet another adieu, and promptly fell asleep, exhausted as I was. At a little after 5:00PM, I woke up spontaneously, and immediately I missed the sound of her breathing. I switched on the light and looked over at her, and she really looked deceased. Her head and face were cold, while the area around her heart was still sort of luke warm. There was no agony in her face, or even tension. "Oh, Pluis, did you have to die here all by yourself?", I asked her with a sob, kissing her little head.

I decided to verify. I applied the electric blood pressure gauge, but the machine couldn't find a heart-beat in her upper arm ('Error').

Then I took an antique silver handheld mirror (a wedding present from her sister-in-law Hanneke once) and held it up to her open lips. And there it was: an elongated streak of water vapor. I did it again. A small blotch of vapor appreared this time. The third time, hard as I tried, no marks stayed behind on the glass. She was truly gone, my sweet.

As if she'd saved her last breath for me.

I left on the oxygen nozzles just in case, and even replaced them with a mask for better supply. Knowing how she feels about asphyxiation, it seemed a simply precaution on my part.

Lara had promised me - at my request - that she would leave me a sign of some sort that she had safely arrived on 'the other side' as she called it. As I finally went to take off the oxygen supply, I discovered a tear drop in the inner corner of her right eye. It just sat there waiting for me. "Thanks, sweetie", I whispered. "That is all I needed to know. Miss you, too."

And with my handkerchief I scooped up the little droplet.