Chemo

Sunday 1 April

This is my fourth day of chemo. Yesterday went a little less well with one of the two medications that has been given to me on day 1 and 4. Due to the reaction, I think it is not a placebo, though we can't be completely sure. Otherwise OK. Tomorrow begins the period of aplasia, i.e. no white blood cells to protect me from infection. Infection is my great fear.

Leukemia is not like many other cancers. It is not a question of metastases, stage 1,2,3 or 4. You don't catch it early. One gets the disease and then it has to be treated. A relapse is obviously not a good thing, but it is not a sign that the cancer has 'spread'. It needs to be treated all over again with the hope that it can be knocked out without knocking me off. And then that it NEVER comes back. A bone marrow transplant may give me some added protection; how much we don't know. For now, the question remains hypothetical with three chemos to get through. After that, we'll see. A transplant is not a 'sure cure' and getting through the chemo's is my main task for now. If all goes well, I get a break and go home between cures. The treatment is tough, unsure and yet I must depend on it.

I look out my window and see spring arrive. There's a flowering fruit tree just outside and I remember back to Easter a year ago when Hanneke made me my first baby spoon of real food: blended asparagus and a sliver of a dark chocolate egg. Today I eat real food: St. Luke's two-star delicacies and I can complain with a voice. Aaahh progress.

We both had to miss out on Madelief's first birthday party at Bouke and Merel's house. Toine wanted to spend the afternoon with me, and frankly, I was glad he did. I am starting to freak out a little bit when looking at the weeks ahead, and I needed my man to keep me in my comfort zone. We sang happy birthday over the phone - well, sort of.

Thank you all for your calls and messages which keep me going.