Spoils

Sunday 22 April evening

After a nice long visit by Liliana - where both of the ladies dozed off from time to time - Lara and I took time to be together for a few hours. Conversation is difficult, for she has to reach for every breath. But we communicate and I second-guess her quite a bit. One of the things we talk about is how to pass on the spoils of her life: handbags and jewelry and the like. We made a short list of what to whom, but stopped after a few items. It was exhausting, but she will ponder the question and revert. Meanwhile we stay close. Even when friends are around, Lara taps the bed, motioning for me to come and sit beside her. It comforts her.

Lara is now on Tranxene, 5 mg of morphine, plus Meronem (antibiotic) and Novalgine against the fever. She is off Ambizole and Xanax. From time to time she goes into a panic about lack of oxygen and the frightful prospect of death by asphyxiation, her ultimate nightmare. We hold hands a lot, it reassures her.

Patricia and her husband John Telford come visit, plus Fedde Groot from Amsterdam, all old comrades from the refugee camps in Honduras in the late eighties. The Telford kids are there as well. They all go in separately and have a one on one, and say their farewells. My sister Hanneke and her husband did the same. So did Tanya and Gordon, who are flying back to the West Coast tomorrow.

It's rough on both sides. All know that this is really it. If they choose the wording "Adieu" to say farewell, then that is what it really may amount to. It grinds me down and for Lara it must be very taxing. But apart from a few anxiety attacks, when she cannot get enough air, she is serene, alert, witty and amzes her guest by remembering facts and names from 25 years ago.

I play traffic cop among the rows of visitors. Tomorrow will be no different. Jeffrey arrived tonight (with a working cell phone), Janis Dolnick will be there tomorrow (flying in from San Francisco as we speak) and Louise Doswald-beck who will have breakfast with me at the house having arrived from Geneva. Also, in the course of the day, the bandagiste will make the hardware delivery preparing fro Lara's return at the house.