Haywire

Thursday 26 April towards midnight

I had to escape tonight. I hadn't been out the door all day and fresh air was needed. Also, I was the only male among at least six women and felt totally outwitted, and at least outnumbered. So I opted for a Soderberg movie wih Michael Douglas, Michael Fassbinder and Antonio Banderas: "Haywire". Not great but entertaining. Janis offered to keep me company and we had a good talk over lovely wokked food.

As I got home by 9:30PM, they had just started cooking Lara dinner. I was much distressed. This day was dragging on much too long. Not good for Lara, never mind how much she may have loved the company.

I just can't tear myself away from her at night. The very thought that I will not be near her for all the hours of sleep is hard for me to accept. When she was in the hospital, our separation was inevitable. Under the same roof it becomes almost unbearable. As her condition will deteriorate - and it will - being apart becomes hazardous. For I want to be there when she leaves me. The idea that she would escape, with me asleep in our own bed, would not only wound me; it would haunt me forever.

So I stroked her stubbly pate one last time and kiss her lightly on the forehead. Good night my sweet. Tomorrow is going to be a very busy day for you. Get some rest.

I will have to bring some structure to Lara's days. There are altogether to many well-meaning friends around, plus the garde-malades, plus the nurses, plus me. This is too taxing for Lara.