Pizazz

Monday 21 May

Another day without much pizazz. She's wearing a cotton yellow dress - one of my favorites- and shiny yellow flatheeled shoes - in as much as she will be doing a tour de table. Besides her cappuccino she managed less than half her bowl of fruits and yoghurt, saving the rest for lunch. Most of the afternoon she sleeps. It is not hard to picture, at this point, what she will look like once she has expired: straight on her back, her arms alongside her body, feet paired, her head slightly raised. Her features are taut, eyes deep.

Just contemplating her makes me extremely sad. Her breast is slowly rising each time she breathes. Sometimes her rhythm is so slow, I zoom in anxiously to make sure there is a next one. My great fear is that I will somehow miss out on the moment when.

We had a long and reassuring conversation with our general practitioner this morning about how a terminal patient might still call the shots. Back and forth we expressed what it is we need and want from our side, so that there be no misunderstanding. Lara emphasized self-determination, choice and serenity; and above all no asphyxiation. The doctor, for her part, explained what the rules are she feels bound by, and the limits of her actions. For this is the point we are at. Lara and I discussed about it a deux, after the doctor left. A teary talk. Lara is mostly worried about me and how I will be able to cope. She is less worried about her own passing, and how all of her last hours will ultimately transpire. That's my Lara: more concerned about others than about herself.

We tried a little scrabble. I unfolded our travel kit and we started what is most definitely going to be our last game ever together. Full faculties against a moribund; I should be able to win this one. Into the second move she needed to take a break and close her eyes waiting for the night nurse to drop by. The tremor in her right leg rattles the gameboard.

Tomorrow an early rise. At seven the nurse arrives for the morning ritual to have us ready to go on the ambulance around 9:30AM. Looking forward to a whole day at the hospital. The very thought is exhausting to both of us. Metal fatigue is setting in...